The Ugly Truth

    I have 4 kids, 7,3,2,and 6 mnths.My husband only seems interested in sex.I love my husband but I dont want to have sex.He is always trying to find excuses to have sex.when the kids are napping,if he getss home in the morning from work and all the kids are napping ect.I know he loves the kids too, but the kids seem to be in the way. He will help when I ask him, but mostly I do all the work. Sometimes he will use sex as an excuse to help me around the house. I dread school starting because I dont want sex in the afternoon. that is my rest time and cleaning time. What should I do? I do give him sex alot to please him, but he should know I dont like it.    ~Kimf~

Dear Kimf,

    I am truly tired of women and men who can't tell their spouse how they really feel.  You should be talking to each other.  Don't get me wrong, I don't mind giving advice to all the aching souls out there who need help but if you had read my previous posts which are similar to yours you would have known my answer to this question.  I love kids, have 4 myself but maybe you need to stop having children for awhile.  It takes time for your body to recover from giving birth and can leave you turned off by sex for quite awhile due to hormonal and physical changes.

    That said, you weren't very specific with your question.  Do you not want to have sex with your husband or do you just not want sex at all, ever, with anyone?  I can see two different problems depending on your answer.  If it's just your husband then you need to work on your marriage, which is probably a good idea anyway since you don't seem to be able to talk to him about one of the most important things in your relationship. If you don't want to have sex with anyone at all and are turned off by sex in general then maybe you need to talk to your Dr,  Gyno/OB, or Psychologist.  Having children really messes with your body and mind.  I am concerned when you say "I don't like it".

    I have a question though:  Why does your husband feel like he has to continually find excuses to get you to have sex?  I am not sure you are being fair with him.  He should be able to come home and say "I love you, I find you attractive, I'm really horny and I want it from YOU."  Not in those words exactly but you know what I mean.  You shouldn't have to give it up every time he asks but it isn't exactly fair to tell a man you love him, want to spend the rest of your life with him as long as he never asks you for sex. How long do you think that is going to last?

    Advice: Never have obligatory sex.  It will make you resent your spouse and eventually make you feel as if you are being violated.  Never have sex for favors, unless you are both playing that game.  It gets old and again leads to resentment.  Sex should be mutually agreed upon and with willing partners.  Tell your husband how you feel.  Let him read this advice and the other answers that I have left in the past month or so. 

Talk to each other, listen to each other but listen twice as much as you talk. (Advice from Judge Judy: God gave you two ears and only one mouth for a reason).

Yes it's ugly but it's the truth.

AMJ  (Not a Dr of any sort. Take my advice cautiously)

  Our background: I'm a 26 year old mom of 3 kids (7 year old, 18 month old, and a new 5 week old, I also take care of my 85 year old grandmother who suffers from a massive stroke. My husband (38 year old) and I are struggling on getting along. We split up for about 3 months, staying true to each other still amazingly, a few months after our second child was born because my hubby really was an a-hole. It's like he hated me, he would never talk with me about any probelms, so I kicked him out. I am a stay at home mom, due to the economy in our small city, which honestly I absolutely love our kids, but I want to be out working so I can help provide. My husband is having to work for a slow paced little convenience store, minimum wage and 20 hours per week, but he is going to be back in school in a month.!

I'm not the best wife and mom, but I try my absolute hardest. I am exhausted, and I have asked for help, well actually begged my hubby to get up once at night with our newborn, each night at 4 am, because I cannot fall asleep afterwards and I can't take any naps during the day.

He did it for a week, and now just will not hardly do anything, unless it is for himself. He will change the 18 month old's diapers now and then. This is almost on the normal side for him. But, I need a little more of his help. Just once at night. He turns it around on me and tells me that it was my idea to be a stay at home mom, which it was not, although he knows this. He says some really hurtful things any time that I ask for his help.

Is it really that bad to ask for his help? If not, how do I get his help?

Dear Sooooo Tired,

Well, I usually start off my replies by making a smart ass comment about your situation but I think I will pass on the tactless comments for this one.

I really don't think that anything that I say can fix your problems but maybe a little advice will help you to make a few decisions to get you through your current rough patch.

Your husband is 12 years older than you but you seem to be the mature one in the relationship. I give him props for wanting to better himself and to help make a better life for his family by going back to school, if these are truly his motives. For everyone's sake I hope he is being honest. You seem to have trust in him since you mentioned your faithfulness to each other even during your breakup so I would tell you to trust your instincts.

I still question any man that would agree to leave his family so soon after the birth of a beautiful new baby as was the case with your 18 month old. I would question his love for you and his children if he allowed your relationship to devolve into such a situation where it was necessary to take time off from one another. Yet I only have your side of the story and it's hard to be objective when I have no input from him. I am sure that your relationship is much more complicated than can be put down in a simple email.

As a bystander I can see a possible pattern forming in your relationship:

First, you may want to consider seeing your gynocologist or a therapist about possible Post Partum Depression. Your first breakup that you mentioned happened soon after the birth of your 18 month old and you are heading in the same direction with the birth of your current child. You should never feel ashamed to seek help after having a baby and feeling lost and alone. It may not matter if your husband helps or not, sometimes all the help in the world from your family isn't enough to make you feel better. There are therapies and possibly drugs that can help.

I have a young baby, my 4th, and since my husband works full-time and is very occupied with his demanding job I can sympathize with you. At first I felt as if I wanted to scream and yell for help but I knew that it would only cause issues in our relationship because I am not rational when I argue and he truly does what he can and and that is all I expect from him, nothing more.

My advice: Get a co-sleeper for baby so that when he/she wakes in the middle of the night you aren't far from him/her. If you aren't breastfeeding make your bottle before you go to bed so you have it readily available when he/she awakes at night (most babies don't care if the bottle is cold or warm but warm it up if you feel it's necessary). Have dinner early, get the other children to bed by 9PM and get yourself to bed as early as possible (before 11). For this to be effective you have to make sure all lights and TV's are off. Any distractions will keep the kids awake. Your 7 year old will be back in school soon so perhaps you will have a few hours of rest in the days coming up. SCHEDULE YOUR DAYS! Don't let your children dictate when you rest. Put the young ones on a scheldule too and put them down for a nap. When they do, you rest too. It helps to put them in a place where they can't "escape" for 30 minutes or so. Such as a crib or playpen, seperately of course.

Sit your husband down and ask him one more time (without arguing) if he will help you.  THE UGLY TRUTH: If he has nothing else going on besides a 20 hour a week job and possibly going back to school and is still too lazy or tired to help you out he is a LOSER. (only my opinion). If he refuses to help after your quiet discussion then you need to refocus your life on yourself and your kids and stop believing that he will ever help you. Stop beating yourself in the head over trying to change someone. Change yourself, change your views on life, refocus your priorities and engergies and help yourself and if you really love him then you need to stop fighting him and accept him for what he is.

Remember, it is possible to win someone withouth a word. Be kind, loving, and treat one another as you wish to be treated. Love NEVER fails.

~AMJ~  

     

    First off, the details: I am a late 20's male in average shape married to a late 20's female in average shape. We have 3 kids combined between the 2 of us(one together and one each from a past relationship), have known each other for over a year and a half and have been married now for only 10 months and yet, the sex has already became non existant. 
     I cook(very nice meals), clean, do laundry, wash dishes, take out the trash, take care of the kids, and not to mention, take care of all of the outside chores. I offer compliments to her all the time like, "You look pretty in that," "That looks nice on you," "I Love you," etc. As well as, I work full time and am the "Bread-Winner" in the house hold. 
     If I do all of those things and ask nothing in return, why is she ! not willing to have sex? We used to have sex all the time before we were married but, not anymore. Now, I do bring it up occassionally that it has been awhile since having sex but, what man wouldn't. Yet all I get is, "I'm tired." or "Not now, It's that time of month." or "Not tonight, it hurts down there for some reason." So, my question is, what's the deal?! Am I being Pig-headed for wanting sex when I pretty much run the house hold?     C~


 Dear C,

You are doing everything else around the home so you might as well do yourself too!  

Seriously though, I have a few comments about your predicament.  
 
First and foremost, making love (A.K.A. Sex) should never be about owing someone because they make the money in the home, do the dishes, do the chores, etc.  If that were the case every woman that I know would be oversexed because believe me they deserve credit for all they do.  I really don't think that you meant for your comment to sound that way but it sort of did. I don't know if it is your idea or hers to put all the home responsibilites on you but your home life seems very unbalanced.

Second, yes ten months is a very short time to be slowing to a dead crawl in the bedroom.  I think that you will find that most couples with children have a very ordinary sex life (once a week or even twice a month).  Some will tell you otherwise but I have found that whatever they tell you just cut it in half and you will have a more accurate truth.

It sounds like your wife is being a bit unfair by not being completely honest with you. Most of the women I know who have had intimacy issues knew why they didn't want to have sex with their husbands and they were either ashamed or embarrassed to discuss it with them.  From experience, not necessarily my own, I can tell you that most women will agree that they have made an excuse from time to time to get out of having sex. Sometimes we just don't feel like doing it. Faking an illness is our way of sparing your feelings.  We don't want you to think it's your fault so we make excuses that can't usually be refuted, i.e., "I have a headache", "I'm on my period", etc.  I don't think this is the issue though.  

My advice?  Take the kids to a babysitter.  Get rid of them for the day/night and then tell your wife that you would like to have a heartfelt discussion about how things can be brought back to life in the bedroom.  Tell her that you find her sexy and attractive (after baby most women have body image issues).  Tell her how you love to feel her warm body next to your own and that YOU need to feel loved and want her to find you attractive too. Give her a free pass to say whatever she feels she needs to say without an argument or without being judged.  

Remember, not talking about it WILL make it worse.  

Other things to consider:

Many women lose their sex drive after having a baby and it can take a year or more to get it back.  If this is the case perhaps a visit to her OBGYN could help.  There are things that can help.

Maybe she is feeling a bit useless in the home.  She may need something to do to give her a sense of self worth.  You seem to have taken on the role of husband AND wife.  You didn't mention that she works but you did mention that you do and that you do everything else too.

So the answer to your question is NO.  I don't think you are being pig headed but I don't think you are going about it the right way either.  Never feel that your wife is obligated to have sex with you because of all you do for her.  You do these things because you love and care for her not so you can get perks. 

Don't let your busy lives get in the way of having a fulfilling marriage.  Sit down, turn off the TV often, put away your phones, and just talk about stuff.  Talk about your future, talk about the kids.  These are the things that bind you.   




~AMJ~ 

Will I be having sex soon?  ~ Aaaah

Dear Aaaah, (Hope I spelled your name right)

Just by the fact that you asked me this question I was able to determine your maturity level as being that of the average twelve year old. 

Therefore the answer to your question is maybe.  If you consider spanking the monkey as sex. 

If you are asking if you will have sex soon with another human then I would have to say, probably not for another ten years or so.  

Who is the richest man in the world?   ~Alfa

Dear Alfa,

Let me GOOGLE that for you.....

William Gates III  (a.k.a. Bill Gates) is the richest man in the world although, poor baby,  he lost $18 Billion USD last year. He kicked Warren Buffett out of the top slot as richest man in the world.  The recession has hurt everyone, even the richest of the rich.

It's interesting to think about the possibilities.  Last year the world had 1,125 billionaires. Today there are 793. Where did the $1.4 trillion that they had go?  Maybe the recession was orchestrated by Bill Gates to eliminate the competition.  Hmmm.

By the way, Bill just got a little richer today.  Windows 7 was released with a whole new set of features that will guarantee a steady stream of revenue till the next bugs upgrades are released.

Bill Gates is worth $40 Billion USD

Alfa, this is an advice column.  Although Bill Gates IS UGLY and I just told you the TRUTH, I take questions in regards to life, relationships and advice in general.  Do you have any other questions?

I'm having contractions and had diarrhea last night, will I have my baby soon?  ~ Princess


Dear Princess,

It depends on what kind of baby you are talking about.  I have laid a few that could be considered big enough to be babies.  I am not sure but I think you may have confused two separate orifices. 

My advice would be to call your local Planned Parenthood  and ask them if they have any emergency parenting classes.  If they do, sign up immediately and ask these questions:

• Where do babies come from? (How are they made and where do they exit the body from)
• Am I pregnant, and when they say yes...
  
• How did that happen?

These are a few of the basic questions you should ask.  If you still are having a hard time distinguishing the difference between diarrhea and your baby (if you are pregnant), then do the following:

While sitting on the toilet, stick your hand where the fluids are coming from and then look at your hand.  If it's brown, yellow, green or some other earthy color then it's diarrhea,  if whatever is coming out gives you a high five then it's a baby and you should get to the hospital.