Am I being "Pig Headed"?
July 30, 2010First off, the details: I am a late 20's male in average shape married to a late 20's female in average shape. We have 3 kids combined between the 2 of us(one together and one each from a past relationship), have known each other for over a year and a half and have been married now for only 10 months and yet, the sex has already became non existant.
I cook(very nice meals), clean, do laundry, wash dishes, take out the trash, take care of the kids, and not to mention, take care of all of the outside chores. I offer compliments to her all the time like, "You look pretty in that," "That looks nice on you," "I Love you," etc. As well as, I work full time and am the "Bread-Winner" in the house hold.
If I do all of those things and ask nothing in return, why is she ! not willing to have sex? We used to have sex all the time before we were married but, not anymore. Now, I do bring it up occassionally that it has been awhile since having sex but, what man wouldn't. Yet all I get is, "I'm tired." or "Not now, It's that time of month." or "Not tonight, it hurts down there for some reason." So, my question is, what's the deal?! Am I being Pig-headed for wanting sex when I pretty much run the house hold? C~
Dear C,
You are doing everything else around the home so you might as well do yourself too!
Seriously though, I have a few comments about your predicament.
First and foremost, making love (A.K.A. Sex) should never be about owing someone because they make the money in the home, do the dishes, do the chores, etc. If that were the case every woman that I know would be oversexed because believe me they deserve credit for all they do. I really don't think that you meant for your comment to sound that way but it sort of did. I don't know if it is your idea or hers to put all the home responsibilites on you but your home life seems very unbalanced.
Second, yes ten months is a very short time to be slowing to a dead crawl in the bedroom. I think that you will find that most couples with children have a very ordinary sex life (once a week or even twice a month). Some will tell you otherwise but I have found that whatever they tell you just cut it in half and you will have a more accurate truth.
It sounds like your wife is being a bit unfair by not being completely honest with you. Most of the women I know who have had intimacy issues knew why they didn't want to have sex with their husbands and they were either ashamed or embarrassed to discuss it with them. From experience, not necessarily my own, I can tell you that most women will agree that they have made an excuse from time to time to get out of having sex. Sometimes we just don't feel like doing it. Faking an illness is our way of sparing your feelings. We don't want you to think it's your fault so we make excuses that can't usually be refuted, i.e., "I have a headache", "I'm on my period", etc. I don't think this is the issue though.
My advice? Take the kids to a babysitter. Get rid of them for the day/night and then tell your wife that you would like to have a heartfelt discussion about how things can be brought back to life in the bedroom. Tell her that you find her sexy and attractive (after baby most women have body image issues). Tell her how you love to feel her warm body next to your own and that YOU need to feel loved and want her to find you attractive too. Give her a free pass to say whatever she feels she needs to say without an argument or without being judged.
Remember, not talking about it WILL make it worse.
Other things to consider:
Many women lose their sex drive after having a baby and it can take a year or more to get it back. If this is the case perhaps a visit to her OBGYN could help. There are things that can help.
Maybe she is feeling a bit useless in the home. She may need something to do to give her a sense of self worth. You seem to have taken on the role of husband AND wife. You didn't mention that she works but you did mention that you do and that you do everything else too.
So the answer to your question is NO. I don't think you are being pig headed but I don't think you are going about it the right way either. Never feel that your wife is obligated to have sex with you because of all you do for her. You do these things because you love and care for her not so you can get perks.
Don't let your busy lives get in the way of having a fulfilling marriage. Sit down, turn off the TV often, put away your phones, and just talk about stuff. Talk about your future, talk about the kids. These are the things that bind you.
~AMJ~
Posted by A. M. J.. Posted In : Relationship Advice
